Allow me to clarify, I know my mother loves me within her ability, I know that she has loved me as much as she was taught to love, knows how to love herself, and felt loved by her mother. That being said it was a conditional, immature, and not fully yet developed love, a strangling love that longed to grow of which I had inherited carrying the seed.

I could already feel it, a condition that has been passed on for generations, that I was being called to be of the ones to end the cycle. To finally take the seed and plant it in soil, with warmth, nutrients, light, and occasionally some shadow beneath the grey storm clouds which quenched the thirst and teased for potential growth ahead.

My mother was an underloved daughter who didn’t feel seen by her mother. When you feel unseen, the trauma can cause people to react in different ways, for my mother it was having children to see her and that was the meaning our lives took on as her children. Our purpose was to be her witness, to praise, and validate her despite only being children and not knowing the way.

Who defines this for us and what are some of the tells that we’ve not been loved enough? When do we most feel loved? How do we learn to love ourselves? These aren’t questions for those who aren’t seeking big treasure and adventure as this journey is a vast one with many peaks and valleys!

I recently heard Richard Grannon, Spartan Life Coach, and my go-to mentor say something that stood out and changed my perception of myself, how I love myself, and how I love those around me that simply needs to be shared. I don’t have the direct quote so bare with me, it was along the lines of “we love ourselves the way our parents loved us”. When I heard it I immediately saw in my mind an age 5 version of Amanda holding a complex blueprint full of trap doors, no-entry signs, and dark hallways a dusty document from inside a Jumanji box. It was like the nightmare version of snakes and ladders that I didn’t want to play anymore. I absolutely had learned to love myself the way my mother had loved me, and father, and thankfully as my grandmother did too, and yet I needed to love myself more so that I could encompass even more love for those I care for and truly show up in my fullest potential!

In my journey of healing, re-claiming, re-parenting, and becoming I’ve gained awareness of the ways and places I am able and not yet fully able to love myself, and therein lays the body of evidence of where I lived underloved. My telltale signs of being underloved in life were the anxiety, the brutal inner critic that aimed to keep me silent, small, and unseen for safety, the depression and negative thinking, the self-sabotaging patterns that popped up like whack a mole every time I had a new goal or dared to dream! There were unconscious patterns to which I yielded without a second thought of codependency and putting others’ needs first to my detriment. The list could go on, the list could even differ greatly, and yet at the root is the same lack of love. The underlying belief and messages of when I was and wasn’t worthy of being loved had been defined by someone who didn’t yet know how to love herself.

As a society, we often shame mothers and I have to ask to what end? Wasn’t she also a victim in her own right, also locked into a generation of trauma and once the daughter of an unloved mother herself? Please allow me to be clear, in no way does this excuse, justify, or abolish anyone from the responsibility of being abusive, neglectful, or inappropriate in their behaviors in any way with another! What I mean is that along the line, despite the need for someone being accountable, responsible, and an understanding so healing can commence we need to bring in more compassion. Asking someone to be responsible for something well above their maturity level generally doesn’t get received well, the important thing to note is that its not a reflection of us for having asked or having the need.

In my case, indeed she was, and I would even say there were times when my relationship with my grandmother had to have been raw and potentially perceived as gaslighting for my mother. I was loved in the ways that she longed to be by her mother and wasn’t. I firmly believe that I was the second chance my grandmother needed, a chance to have reflected and owned where she felt underloved and longed to grow, to become a conduit, or a channel for more love. And that Memere certainly did, she loved me fully and wholely regardless of what wrongdoing I may have done as an impulsive child, and with all of the love languages, she was able to teach herself along the way! Memere loved with food, she loved with gifts, she loved with wishes and dreams, she loved with non-judgment and presence, she loved in silence, she loved in a way that was palpable and could be felt with the heart open and eyes closed. She loved by witnessing and holding space for me to unfold like a fresh bud on a carnation in a refreshing vase of water and all there was to do was wait.

My Memere was able to grow, and yet my mother is still in her process, I’ve been on my healing journey now for easily 20 years, and the child I’ve helped raised is just beginning his.

The cruelest part of these trauma cycles is that there could be an endless loop where no one is accountable, and the responsibility lays unclaimed, the wound remaining raw, open, and frequently infected. This becomes a block to healing in itself for seekers and this is why I feel having a soul’s guides is of the utmost importance!

For me, the responsibility, the undertaking, and the privilege is mine. The moment I stopped looking for healing from outside is when I begin to fully heal! Taking ownership of my stories, my perceptions, and my choices were where the light finally entered the wound, and the darkness began to dissipate. It’s where I hold the power! It’s where we all hold our power.

Having a therapist, coach, a clinical hypnotherapist, a witness, is how I built my soul’s team for healing. But it started with one person first, one person who believed in and wanted to invest in me more than I even knew how to invest in myself. In my case, I had chosen out of the pain which lead me to attract my spouse, my person. From there, off I grew! Do you have one person? Truth is you don’t have to right away, you can follow my lead and make your next choice! The choice doesn’t have to be made from pain, although many times as human’s that’s what we do.

What if I’m suggesting you now choose out of pleasure? Can you? What kinds of blueprinted patterns have occurred for you in the past?

Healing and exploring trauma, it’s quite a soul trek and isn’t one I recommend doing without well-blueprinted guides or it quickly becomes a decades-long dark night of the soul. This wounding was made with guides (parents, family members, teachers, and other authorities), and thus healing it too requires a soul team to light the way and positively witness your steps for without a light or a map we simply cannot see how far we’ve grown!

As you choose your soul guides, be looking for those who have overcome their trauma! Be looking for those who are present in the moment and choosing!

Let me know how this topic has touched your heart!! Your healing journey matters to me, and there’s no greater fulfillment than witnessing someone healing beyond trauma.

Comments are welcome, and furthermore I invite you to email me directly, it will be an honor to hold space for you.